Every Couple Was Toxic On 'The Ultimatum: Queer Love'

Publish date: 2024-06-07

The Big Picture

This year, The Ultimatum premiered its all-female-led cast on The Ultimatum: Queer Love. The show was reportedly filmed in San Diego, California, in 2021 and followed the same premise as its original show. The idea here is the same: five couples are brought in, and each couple has a partner who has given their other partner an ultimatum. If after three weeks of being in a "trial" marriage with another person they do not want to engage and get married, then it's a deal breaker. There are three options: either you get engaged to your original partner, you choose to go with another partner, or you end up on your own. One might think that couples of more than three years have it all figured out and don't need to come on a show to prove their love. But that isn't the case here.

There's a first icebreaker event where couples get to know one another in what seems like a luxury resort. The show is hosted by actress Johanna Garcia, despite not being queer herself. 10 queer women came in and were left ready to mingle with each other and start dating again. After more than a month's worth of spending time together and deciding, only one out of all five couples decided to get engaged. And even so, that couple barely made it. And every couple on the show had similar, or worse issues.

Sam and Aussie

The Couple Got Engaged, But Should Have Broken Up

Sam, 31, and Aussie, 42, were the only couple that stuck to getting engaged after the show ended. But it wasn't an easy ride. Sam was the one who issued the ultimatum. The two had been dating for a while and hadn't settled on the idea of marriage yet. Both needed to grow, but it was Aussie in this case who was the bigger red flag. During the show, Aussie seemed to just storm off at the slightest confrontation. Sam, being the more emotionally intelligent one, allowed Aussie to storm off and "cool down" when addressing topics like marriage or being dismissive of their feelings. Another big red flag for Sam: Aussie had not yet even come out to their family nor told them about Sam. They got successfully engaged, but not before working on some bad communication skills.

Right after their trial marriages ended, Sam and Aussie went out for drinks with one of Sam's friends. Sam just wanted to talk about her feelings and wanted Aussie to know that she would speak up at any sign of discomfort or disrespect. For the third time, Aussie stormed off and sat outside the restaurant, having an intense negative reaction to their issues. Aussie explained they had feelings of not "being perfect enough" since their childhood. Aussie just vented out all the anger and trauma on the sidewalk, saying: "What about my version? Which was like, I didn't mean to make you mad. I didn't mean for you to feel like I was being rude to you. I'm sorry. There's two fucking people here...You know where it takes back to, is my f-ing childhood. When I would be blamed for everything, and it was not even my fucking fault. I didn't do shit. I f-ing didn't do sh-... I'm just trying to be good enough. I'm trying so hard. I'm to be the perfect girlfriend, perfect lover, perfect kid, perfect daughter, perfect co-worker, perfect... everything. I'm still not good enough."

Rae and Lexi

The Couple Showed Age and Maturity Aren't One in the Same

The youngest couple to be featured on the show and at the time, as Rae was 27 and Lexi was 24. Despite being so young, Lexi was already sure of wanting to marry Rae after three years of being together as a couple. Rae (on the left) was the one who was given the ultimatum, and after her trial marriage with Vanessa (mentioned below), Rae was having second thoughts about her part in her relationship with Lexi. "I think the finality of marriage always scares me," said Rae. It mostly seemed like she still wasn't sure of who she was and displayed signs of having somewhat of an identity crisis. During Rae's trial marriage with Vanessa, Rae admitted to having sex with her. Although small, Lexi took it as an act of infidelity and was hurt. After their trial marriages, both of them sat on the beach, and Rae broke down while explaining herself:

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I did not anticipate any of this...It's so fucking hard for me. I'm not saying you haven't had a hard time too. But you know how I am, how reserved I am. You know how, like...emotions are so fucking hard for me, to think about how I'm feeling. What do I feel? Is this what I really feel? Or are people putting things in my head and I'm believing it? Like, what the f- is going on here? What do I want? Who am I? Do I love myself? Do I even deserve to be loved? Like I'm f-ing drowning."

After their beach argument, Rae and Lexi seemed to have worked things out. In the season finale, each of them proposed to each other and seemed sure of themselves. Rae admitted to speaking to Lexi's father and asked before proposing. On a park bench, the two of them proposed to each other and even showed off their wedding rings. The two even seemed committed to each other at the reunion. Shockingly, right after the reunion episode ended and before the credit reel, the production left a note that said: "Shortly after filming the reunion, Lexi and Rae chose to end their relationship. The wedding has been called off."

Xander and Vanessa

The Trial Marriages Showcased Even More of Their Issues

Both were 30 at the time of filming, and Xander was the one who issued the ultimatum. Vanessa and her more bubbly personality seemed unsure of wanting a married life and expressed that she didn't want to limit her love to just one person. Surprisingly, it was Xander who during the three-week trial marriages, went into a full-blown affair with Yoly. Xander and Yoly got so comfortable with each other that they promised a life with each other if it didn't work out with their partners. Vanessa started to come off as manipulative to the rest of the group.

Xander and Yoly's short-lived affair was enough to make Vanessa jealous and hurt. After they returned together, Xander admitted to having shared intimacy with Yoly. This made Vanessa want to regain Xander's original love for her, and she told her several times that "she loved her" despite the affair. "I loved who we used to be," Vanessa whispered to Xander at home. Vanessa went as far as to take Xander on an air balloon ride and read a love letter in the air. In the season finale, both of them shared a heartfelt goodbye, and Vanessa said "she would always love" Xander. The two remain friends but aren't together.

Mal and Yoly

More Affairs Plague the Couples

Mal, 36, was given the ultimatum by the more sure Yoly, 34. Yoly admitted several times that all she needed from Mal was that one "hell yes" to get married and for Mal to show her intentions of spending the rest of their lives together and even having kids with Yoly. This was something that Yoly brought up many times. After everybody found out about Yoly's intense affair with Xander, Mal tried to take it easy and talk it out. Yoly admitted that Xander was giving her some type of affection that Mal had never given her. By that, she meant cuddles, kisses, hugs, and "romance" in general.

But then Mal started getting angrier, as it looked like Yoly was wasting her time and didn't want to fully let go of her. Mal asked her at home "Is Xander your 'hell yes'?", to which Yoly did not respond. Mal's anger got worse, and she let it out by saying, "You want to see both of us fight for you and bleed so you can see, like, 'who actually died for me and who didn't? I'm gonna pick that person. I am dying for you, fam. What do you want? F-ing give me a break." After trying to make things work out, Mal proposed to Yoly in the season finale and said "yes". At the reunion, they both admitted that they had sadly broken up a couple of weeks after their engagement.

In September, Yoly uploaded a video to her YouTube channel giving an update and final thoughts about her affair with Xander. "When saying goodbye to Xander, it was probably one of the saddest things. It was just so sad. With her [Xander], I realized I was neglecting and compartmentalizing parts of myself that were actually, like, needed for me to be me in a relationship... After we filmed, we went our separate ways. We still kept in contact. A little bit. She moved to Hawaii, back to Hawaii, and like Vanessa is still living with her... " she explained.

Tiff and Mildred

The Most Toxic Couple of the Bunch

Probably one of the most toxic relationship dynamics on the show, Tiff (32) and Mildred (33) had an intense physical attraction for each other, but they seemed to be on very different pages emotionally from the start. Tiff was the more unsure of both and had a history of interrupting each other and breaking up on and off. They wouldn't let each other finish their sentences. Mildred, especially, would cut her off while Tiff was explaining how she felt. Things got uglier when it was revealed that the relationship was an abusive one.

Though there was no actual physical abuse portrayed on the show, Tiff and Mildred's communication was always bumpy and interrupted. And even though Tiff ended up proposing to Mildred and showed great physical chemistry at the start, they ended up separating on the worst terms possible. At the reunion and some months after their engagement, they were both on completely opposite terms. Not only had they broken up, but shocking news came up: Mildred admitted to being arrested for domestic violence, and right after a fight with Tiff, she had taken off her ring and never put it back on.

In June, Tiff decided to upload a 28-minute video to her YouTube channel, Fweebs Podcast, telling her version of the facts and her post-reunion piece that she didn't get to speak. "Sometimes you're in a toxic relationship. And you don't realize how really toxic it is 'til you're out of it. And let's be clear, both parties of a relationship can be toxic. But research has shown that over and over again, that a majority there always tends to be one abuser in the relationship." They admitted on air that Mildred had thrown a photo-portrait at Tiff and Mildred and punched the walls. Mildred just went off on Tiffany and excused this type of behavior with the fact that she was a Latina. "Respect has no race", said Tiff in one of their nightly conversations with Mildred. Mildred also brought up the fact that she was a mother, and her son came first before her relationship. Tiff argued back at the reunion and said that she was being "gaslit".

You'd think that having to bring your partner on a show to convince them to marry you is already a red flag. And it is. But the dynamics of the show give room for them to figure out if they are the marriage type. It's pretty much free couples' therapy, just on camera. The whole premise seems like a weird social experiment, but it definitely brings out the best and worst of relationships. The show is as messy as reality TV can get these days, as there are cameras set up in the couple's apartments during their trial marriages and after they return with their original partners. If you or someone you know is having Episodes of The Ultimatum Queer Love are available for streaming on Netlfix.

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